a drop of water

This past Sunday at Coast Vineyard, Michelle Wilson gave a message from Ephesians 4 about valuing the unity in Christ that we have with our brothers and sisters.  Here is an excerpt from the handout:

Be completely humble.

Assume the best of people
Consider that you may be wrong.
Find a way to apologize.

Be completely gentle.

Be quick to listen.
Be slow to speak / become angry.
Ask yourself, “Will this build up or will this tear down?”

Be patient.

Put up with each other.
Forgive.
Make every effort to love each other.

I was very encouraged by these reminders and humbled by their simplicity and saturation of love for God and love our fellow man/woman.

-Be completely humble-

Pride easily takes over, when being better and best is often our cultural goal. We size up people against what we are capable of and often feel vulnerable when their ability exceeds our own, so we critique another aspect of their lives where we are better (or feel that we are better) than them.  But humility, empowers us to think the best of someone, despite their tendency and history.  Sometimes all it takes is someone’s expectation to propel someone above their tendencies.

When we pour ourselves into our creations, admitting that we made a mistake turns our work into a waste, and so we stubbornly ignore the possibility that we could be wrong.  But humility empowers us to realize that in a world with wide diversity of perspective and method, our way can be complimented and improved, and that it is the process of pouring our lives into our creations where value is found, and not so much in the creation itself.

Apology is empowering because it states boldly, “I value our relationship too much to put it in jeopardy over something (anything) I did to damage it.”  We typically want to wait till the other person apologizes and then we will apologize, and only then.  But if we assume the best of people (think that maybe they did not intend to do what they did) and if we consider that we may be wrong (think that maybe we were wrong in our reaction), we can find a way to apologize.

-Be completely gentle-

Listening is a discipline.  I find myself interrupting and cutting people off because 1. I’m impatient and can’t wait for them to finish.  2. I want to give them an answer or solution.  3. I want to convince and defend my point because theirs is inaccurate.  But what those reasons really are saying are 1. What you have to say is not worth my time.  2. Your issue is so simple, just do this.  3. You are wrong, and this is why.  It’s hard to have a relationship with someone who is saying those kind of things in between the lines.  Listening says 1. What you have to say is worth my time and I will honor you by listening completely and fully.  2.  I do not take your problem lightly and the solution is probably even harder, but I will listen to your story for as long as you will share it, and I will stand with you to find a solution.  3. Your perspective and unique identity has shaped you to have this perspective and draw these conclusions and I will spend the time to try and better understand where you are coming from.

On anger, Dallas Willard noted that everything that can be done in anger, can be done better without anger.

-Be completely patient-

Michelle shared a story about how she met with a friend to resolve a disagreement.  They met and the friend began the conversation by saying “If you want me to say that it is my fault and apologize, then I will, because this friendship is worth it to me.”  Friendships and relationships are shattered over disagreements and arguments.  I’m not lessening the importance and magnitude of the disagreements, but elevating the value of relationship and friendship.  I am guilty of this, I think, distancing myself from people who I do not agree with on matters of importance (in my mind), and I am lesser for it.

On forgiveness, Michelle pointed out that forgiveness is not conditional mutually, its not because they deserve it, or because they will reach our expectations, but because God forgave us.  It is from that context that we forgive.  Forgiving someone is not necessarily forgetting what they have done, but showing them the mercy and grace that God has shown us.  Mercy–letting go of any intent of retribution and Grace–giving the opposite of what you feel they deserve.